miercuri, 15 iulie 2015
I have always wanted to be an independent person. And now I find myself at the peak of my independence and yet miles away from it. I have believed that people should not be connected to places, objects and most of all, other people. And now I find myself in a foreign place where I am connected to nothing and yet I find no other bonds that draw me back to another place. I have always believed that the end of the world is a nice metaphor and I came to realize that it is actually a place, it is here and now. It is very real and far from any kind of mythology. It has been my very reality for the past months; it has been by connection to life, to earth, to people, to culture. The end of the world is this little remote place where life finds a completely new meaning, not right, nor wrong, just different. the end of the world is this place where I sit and ponder upon my life decisions at 3 am while the light comes through my window; it is the place where if I have a concern, I am the sole person in this world I can turn to; it is the single place that made me turn to myself. You would be surprised to see how many familiar faces can come up in your mind at 3am. And yet you come to look at them with the eyes of your mind and reckon that none is familiar at all. They are just faces lost on the path of time. Your personal non facebook-ian timeline. And now I am at the end of the world and I find no face to be familiar, no language to be my mother tongue and no friend to be by my side. If this is the independence I sought, I am not sure am longing for it any more. And yet I do not see myself crying over the grave of the past moments. I do not miss them nor want them to be repeated. I find my independence to be more of a cage than my dependence on other beings has been. And it scares me to see that the only connection I long for is the one with the surrounding nature, with the grand trees that imprison me, with the silence that my ears has gotten so used to. I seek silence and solitude. I came to seek the end of the world that is a mythical place for Europeans, it is an economical gold mine, it is the place of millions of lakes and saunas and blonde people. It is the unknown that cannot be described on a map. It is yet the here and now for so many independent incarcerated beings. We are all here up north living in our own independent bubble and we hear. And soon the rest of Europe becomes a mythical story that exists beyond the end of the world. And it all becomes distant and unknown. I feared many possibilities for my story before I came here, I feared various hypothetical endings. But not for one second have I feared that I mind find love that is deeper than the love I thought that can exist, deeper than the love for another being, deeper than the love for oneself. It took me to travel to the end of the world to find the love for life, in such a remote little place forgotten to be particularized by the maps. And now I see the rest of the world from my solitary bubble and I am confused. I look at myself from the outside and I see the big machine called life taking me, like a random object in a factory and throwing me back into my old environment, my old language, my old people. And I am sitting there in front of my new old known and I recognize nothing, bust most of all I do not recognize myself. Who have I come to become? What eyes are these that I am seeing the world through now? How can I live with everything that I have seen and experienced before it has been taken away from me, like a child that was not mine from the very start? And I think to myself that my skepticism combined with pessimism will kill me one day. And yet I will be just another broken toy in a forgotten factory. What happened to the entire not being connected to place, people, objects thing? Where did that idea drown? It must have floated away along with my most inner self on a boat at the end of the world, never to be seen again.
We live in some very developed times, don’t we? We live in a century where in theory we are all born equal, we all have the same rights and we get all the same start into this messed up world. Of course, some come to see sooner, some later, that this is just another lie invented by society in order to keep people lined up and supposedly happy inside their own little narrow mind and bubble. Some get to hit their head into this “equality” wall sooner, let’s say, Africans, Indians, people that are highly advertised in all kinds of media. We all know in theory about these little, poor people and we wipe our tears while we get into our rich European cars heading towards our awesome corporatist job.
And then there is the lie that gets a little closer to this continent. We all came to be part of this big great Babylon called the EU. I bet Orwell would be so damn proud of his accurate description of the dystopia that came to get hold of the world. And we all consider ourselves safe under the protective shield of this great empire. The Big Brother that is constantly helping us in every move, especially economically, right?
And we do our studies, we are the great citizens that society expects us to be, obedient and happy, right? Because in such an amazing environment which provides equality for all one cannot be sad. And then you hit the other wall that comes up next, the so called life. And the days begin. We make a hobby out of searching for underpaid jobs with nightmare bosses and no future possibilities. Economical crises they say all the time, reason for so many people out in the street, reason why teachers get to wash dishes after the big corporatist bosses in five star restaurants.
And then comes the day when you finally get out one way or another and you head towards the wild west the sun that shines over our dear Babylon each day. And they welcome you with open arms, you almost believe the lie hat you are about to experiment. Sure, come in please, take a seat, oh you poor immigrant coming from a country that does not even exist on our wisely contoured map. You are a tourist, you are a student, you are someone who comes here for a limited period of time while the dear white people of west can still fake the welcoming smile.
Oh but wait a second, you want to abuse our kindness young sir? We gave you six months in heaven, was that not enough? You want to find a job in the economically powerful countries? Sure man, there you go, be a fool and send in your resume. You know who you will compete with? There is this girl from let’s say Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Holland and the list can go on for a little while before it hits the East. You are lied to that you have the same opportunities as this person who did not have to work one day in her life to be able to finance her studies, a person who comes from a country where the minimum salary is as much as your entire family earns altogether, a person who studies at centers that actually exist on the map, centers where you, poor stupid immigrant could never study with a salary of 200 euro per month. You compete with a person who could afford to do volunteering because mom and dad pays for accommodation and food, because mom and dad paid for that little BMW in the garage and they can provide while this mythical creature finishes her studies, be it 5, 6, 7 years or even a damn eternity because we do not want to stress out a nice Western person.
You realize that sitting at that equally friendly table of interview, there is no such thing as equality. Best case scenario, these people could hire you to clean their nice Western toilets or wipe their rich Western asses, but at the end of the day, regardless what you do, you will still be that fool that tried to enter in the other side of Babylon and you come to see that you belong amongst the poor, amongst the people that actually strive to live from one day to another so that these nice rich countries can afford a great economical situation. We belong to a place that has been erased from the map because it does not please the eyes of the one who sees. We belong to a place where you can work your entire life your ass out and still not be able to afford a new piece of clothing.
And you say this fact to the nice people from west. You expect people do be able to switch perspective, you expect, that is your first basic mistake. And they laugh, oh no, you are a fool, you have all the opportunities ahead of you, you have all your life ahead of you, you are young and you can achieve whatever you want. That is the lie that they are taught, that is the lie that actually applies for the rich countries, that is the lie that you, poor immigrant from the east, will never get a chance to experience.
Therefore, thank you very much for you equality, is has been extremely useful so far in my life, and thank you very much for your sweets lies that turn bitter so easily for some. Thank you for not being able to see outside your bubble of perfection. Thank you for disconsidering me before even giving me a chance because of the fact that my location is not part of your map.
I came to see I live in a world that I no longer wish to be part of, I live amongst people, amongst bubbles. I live in a lie where equality will never be equal for everyone. So enjoy your personal equality while me, along with the rest of the population that you refuse to take into consideration, will strive to fight the world outside your bubble for a simple existence.