She was staring. Kept staring, obsessively, addictively, until the little screen of her phone turned black. Then pushed the magic button and brought back the colors. Staring. Until the battery dies. Black and colored. Staring until her eyes can no longer hold their own weight. She lets her head fall in the laps of the huge teddy bear that always accompanied her in bed. She fixed the ceiling with her gaze but could not open her eyes. Her train of thoughts was so far away. The avalanche of “what ifs” kept raining down on her tired brain.
I just assumed that… no, no, no, dear wait a second. That is when it all died, can’t you see. One learns quite early in life that one does not expect… one does not assume… one does not have hopes. It was perfect until you decided to “expect”. But it is deep in human nature… No, no, you are mistaken. It is rooted in your nature. Have you not met enough humans yet to see that?
She opens her eyes and fixates the white plain ceiling. Images and memories collide. Her thoughts pressed the fast forward button and every single episode, every single smile that ever happened between them runs before her hardly kept open eyes.
One can tell a man by a smile. Not his smile but one’s own smile. How did you smile when he entered the room? Naturally, mystically, curiously... that says it all. But she had the most natural smile ever. Few moments were there in her life when she could freely offer people an honest smile. But when she saw him, it was there. Entirely.
You should stop thinking dear. Memories and self loathing and tears, over thinking, will never bring him back. I know. But it is in human nature. You will never learn…